The New Hereford Times

Twitter overlord, Elon Musk, once again terrorized the world this week, tweeting a photo of his bedside table covered in Coke and guns. The guns appear to be a replica of a Revolutionary War era flintlock pistol, and a prop sci-fi gun with no trigger. The Coke appears to be Diet. "This is why we don't want Twitter in the App Store," said Apple boss Tim Cook, "This man wantonly terrorizes the firearm ignorant community, which is our most loyal customer base." Tim Cook shared a picture of a tearful young woman wearing a shirt that read, "Bear Arms are for Bears." Senator Elizabeth Warren is moving to ban all replica guns to prevent this from happening again. "Enough is enough. Every time we have to see a flintlock pistol or musket we have to relive the early days, when white men first began to steal the land from my people." Senator Warren also shared worries about triggerless guns, “If it doesn’t have a trigger, what even determines when it ki...

   As protests spread across China, and the cry for freedom rings out, many have been wondering, "Where is the voice of the American President, figurehead of freedom for the world? Are we only going to get weak statements giving vague support of the right to protest?" Now he has spoken. At a recent press event President Biden was asked, "Do you have any plans to help the Chinese people who are bravely protesting, fighting for a free China?" Biden appeared moved by the question, and wandered away from the stage. Several minutes later he came back into the room with an accomplished grin, and carried a large cardboard box to the podium. Biden spoke, "I have always, 1950, 1960s... I have supported all Asian and Chinese Americans. When I was a young man I worked with them on the railroads. The Irish and the Chinese. We were one people.  You can't ship a container... a bus, or a car on a train... without an Asian American's help. So if they want free... the f...

  Noted propaganda outlet, The New York Times, admitted that puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones may have negative side effects on children, such as reduced bone density. Doctors are stunned to realize that medications designed to interfere with normal human growth could do anything other than help. "This is hard for us to understand," said Dr. Dorothy Jekyll, "We know these kids have the wrong bodies, because children's desires are always grounded in reality. I almost wonder if we just aren't giving them enough experimental drugs. I've always believed, if your first experiment fails, experiment harder. That's the scientific method." Our sources say pre-eminent physician, Dr. Jill Biden, refused to comment, but was lip-read saying, "How could we have known? Not a single person in America could have predicted this. When have unnecessary medications and surgeries ever hurt anyone before? There's no precedent for this." Some Democrat l...

  We're all in the same place. We're deluged by information, but it's harder than ever to know what's true, what's useful, or what is even good and worth knowing. That's why the prestigious New Hereford Times is starting to release our stories and opinions to the general public. Those from the city of New Hereford, in the great American state of New Hereford, are already well aware of our reputation. Our unique perspective goes to the truth beyond the facts. Pulling from New Hereford's unique talent pool, we're able to staff remote viewers, mind readers, time travelers, AI powered bots, and others with unique skills that allow us access to stories and quotes that have only been whispered behind closed doors, or haven't even been spoken aloud. Henry Hereford, Editor